Happy Scents

I have been experiencing different stigma for the last sixteen years of my life since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was a disease resulted from childhood sexual abuse and post trauma. Due to extreme stress of being a teenager, progressive youth, and flashbacks of repressed memories of the past led me to almost lose my sanity. I had so much pain, anger, guilt, fear and shame because I could have said a word or talk to my parents if I can remember or if I have open communication with them. It wasn’t the case before. I kept everything inside and they burst out unexpectedly in a full blown manic stage. I don’t want people to experience this because it’s exhausting to fight with your own brain especially when relapse occur. It can be a lifetime battle for all kinds of mental illness so be ready to fight.

Anxiety is overdrive and hampers day to day activities. Starting many tasks but cannot focus and finish one. I fight not to succumbed through the darkness of depression again. It is like riding roller coaster of manic highs and depressive lows. It is mood swings that manifest in behavior changes, flight of ideas, impulsive decisions, change of character, aggressive tendencies, sleeping all day, losing interests in pretty much everything and more. Struggling to maintain balance and fight my best not to go through extreme end of the spectrum.

Family support plays major role for desire to have quality of life despite the illness. Get professional help and take medications. You matter! You are the only one who can help yourself!

Exorcism- I was being prayed over repeatedly with hands over my head as if I was being exorcized by evil spirits.

Judgments- Statements like, “Crazy, not motivated, its your fault, you bring it upon yourself, you are a burden, you don’t need to work and so on and so forth” The stares, looks and talks behind my back. It was excruciatingly painful.

Minimization- People will ask you questions but if you tell them your problems. They will tell you that’s nothing compared to problem of such and such. Then you blow your problems out of proportion because somebody thought they are piece of cake. You distance yourself and kept everything in.

10 things I learned:

1. Eat healthy, maintain sleeping pattern and exercise. A well rested sleep can eradicate racing thoughts. Juicing and making smoothies out of organic fruits and veggie can be a lifestyle change. What comes in your body comes out? A healthy body produce a healthy and happy mind. Food and exercise brings out happy hormones like dopamine, endorphins and serotonin. Avocado and banana can enhance mood and fights depression. It is natural way too to fight negative thoughts, overwhelming/anxious feelings and physical illness as well.

2. Less talk…Less judgments! If you talk, be genuine in helping others. Don’t let people statements bring you down. Regardless if they are in medical field, they will not understand what you are going through because reality is different from clinical experiences. You take the positive and leave negative comments behind.

3. Listening to people is better than giving unsolicited advice/advices. It might not help so hold your pieces unless asked.

4. Talk to people who are struggling with mental illness as well because they have been through hell and out. They can give you hope, provide support group and help with survival skills. Helping others with the same situation can make or break you so be careful. Join or follow National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI). It makes you feel you are not alone and can relate to their stories.

5. No matter how much pain and hurt you are, You don’t have any right to hurt yourself and anybody around you! Trust me, the vision of so much pain I caused my loved ones stuck with me forever. I should have been six feet underground but was saved by grace of God and love of my family. Fight everything with all you have and on bended knees! ASK HELP!!!

6. Provide a venue for you to express your feelings, lower stress and process thoughts maybe journaling to avoid bottled up emotions and triggers. Freewriting on notebook/ tablet or computer to process positive and negative thoughts/ emotions. Find a very trusted confidant (one is enough) that can help you process them.

7. Mental illness is the same as physical illness if you need to take maintenance take it. It is prescribed for a reason. If the medication is not working, talk to psychiatrist. Be advocate for your own self because you are the only one who knows what works and what doesn’t.

8. Sometimes being bipolar has its own perks such as creativity and talent. The need for creative outlet from racing thoughts and regulating emotions. Find your niche. It might be art, creative writing, musical instruments, sports, content creation, and dance. It will help divert all your energy into something useful.

9. Spreading love and laughter are easier than miseries. However, real talk is needed as well because we don’t live in a make believe world.

10. Stop being in denial, learn about the disease and accept it! Your illness will never define who you are but your strength and courage does! -unknown. Remember you are answerable to Jesus, family and yourself. No one else!

Bonus: Find a purpose. My purpose is being a mother to Ava and aunt to my nephews. It gives me infinite power to fight invisible enemies because I have eyes looking up at me, believing in me and loving me.  

Daily affirmations talk to yourself and say, “I am strong!” “I am beautiful!” and so on and so forth. Nourish self love and self worth and nobody can take that away from you.

I hope it helps one way or another. If not, just expressing learnings along the way. If it helps just one person to have hope, continue living and fight then I reached my purpose. 

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” “Always be kind.”-Robin Williams